Who am I Kidding?

One Sunday.

9 Am. Iam feeling bored & start to browse thru the newspaper to find something interesting. The first page has an article about the Srilankan army capturing the town of Kilinochi successfully from LTTE & driving the Tigers deep into the jungle. But it seems that along with the LTTE, thousands of innocent Tamils were also running for safety & their future is completely uncertain in their own motherland. The news article carries few photographs - people vacating their houses carrying only the important items, a crying baby, a boy carrying a goat & a bleeding girl. Deep in their eyes one can see the pain, despair, fear & frustration and my heart goes out for them. What have they done to live a life like this? Being born at such a place is not their fault & when is their misery going to end? I wonder aloud, when my wife peeps in & informs that her friend has 2 extra tickets for ‘Ghajini’ premiere show that evening & wants to know if we would be interested. What.? Ghajini? Premiere? Am I Interested? Are you joking? I would give an arm & leg to watch it. But the catch she says is that each ticket costs Rs.500. It made me think for a while. 1000 rupees for a movie.! Is it worth it? ‘Yes’ says my generous heart and is followed by my lips. My wife is happy & so am I.

9.30 Am. I was about to change the channel, when they start to show some clippings of the Mumbai blast & its after-effects. The politicians & celebrities are discussing the attack (sitting in an air-conditioned room & with a little make-up on their faces). They also show some of the victims’ family members & their anguish. They raise so many questions – “Why should innocent lives be extinguished due to a cruel act of terrorism? If two countries have a problem, why should common people die? How many dreams these people would have had? What would happen to their family? Where will this lead to?” I can empathize with their feelings, but only for a while. The test match between India-Australia is about to start & I do not want to miss the action. I change the channel promptly & watch the match for an hour or so.

11 Am. India loses Sehwag early & the 2 batsmen Gambhir & Dravid are playing to consolidate, meaning they begin to waste balls. Iam bored & start to gaze thru the magazine “India Today” lying near the bedside. The cover has some unattractive title like “Farmer Genocide” or something. I was flipping thru the pages, looking for some film or sports related column, when I come across the cover story about farmers’ suicide. It is a 6 page article & I do not have the patience or interest to go thru it entirely. But I just decided to spend a couple of minutes on the article to know the context.

In India, farmers committing suicide is a common thing. They have so many things working against them – less rain, heavy rain, money lending sharks, corrupt govt officials, wavering commodity prices, poor govt policy towards agriculture etc. On an average, 40,000 farmers commit suicide every year (mostly including their family members). This year it has been around 41000 farmers & the agriculture minister claims that the situation is under control. He also mentions that it’s a good sign that the figure has come down from 43000 the previous year & I can sense a little pride in him. 40000 odd lives, that too of farmers, who take the responsibility of feeding the entire nation. What is the govt machinery doing? There has to be a definite solution here. Can’t the Ambanis & Tatas & Mittals play a role here? Iam thinking about this awful piece of news, when my wife brings in tea & reminds me about our family get-together lunch party. My uncle’s son has come from US for his marriage & he his throwing a party at the Hotel RainTree.

12 noon. Got to hurry. I go into the bathroom, take bath, shave & come out quickly. A quick check on the cricket score to find that the Indians have not lost any more wickets & are doing reasonably well. I dress quickly & we (I, my wife & my parents) head towards the car. When Iam wiping the dust off my car, I see the big scratch & a small dent on my lovely car’s right side rear door. Damn the share autos.! I curse them aloud & I feel a lot of pain looking at the scar on my car. It happened on Friday evening & I was not able to sleep the entire night. I have to get it removed immediately. So what if it costs me 6-7k, it is well worth it to bring the shine back on my car’s surface.

1 Pm. We got in & I start to drive the car towards the hotel. On our way, near kodambakkam signal, we witnessed a terrible accident. 2 guys on a speeding motorbike, while trying to cross the signal got hit by a car which was also speeding and crossing it from the perpendicular side. The bike went skidding; the 2 guys lost balance & were thrown away, crashing down on the road. The car which had hit the bike sped away without stopping. I was totally shocked & was not able to react. It was Sunday afternoon & the traffic was light. No traffic policemen as well. Few people gathered around the 2 guys on the road & were assessing the situation. I was slowly crossing the scene of action, not able to decide whether to get down & offer help or to continue driving. My family was of no help either in making me decide, as they were also confused. As I kept thinking about the decision, my car had gone well past the accident scene & I felt there is no point in stopping & going back. Looking at the rearview mirror, I saw a couple of cars pulling thru & people getting out of them to help. I heaved a sigh of relief & my feeling of guilt got washed away slowly. If not me, someone will always help.

1.30 Pm. We reach the hotel restaurant to be greeted by other members of our family. There were 24 of us. After chit-chatting for a while, we got to the business of filling our grumbling stomachs. Slowly the food started to flow & with it the fun as well. I enquired my nephew about his life in U.S & he mentions that it is great out there. No pollution, No traffic, No heat, No crowd, No bribery etc. But finally he finishes by saying that India is the best & he misses India deeply. He is waiting for an opportunity to get a job back in India & discloses that his heart is in India only. Wow. ‘That is so patriotic’ I say. He also says that he had applied for the Green card there & has recently got one. He is so happy about it & quips that many of his friends, who went to the U.S before him, have not been able to get the Green card as yet. Moment of pride.! Wow.!

Infact, there were too many such moments during the lunch. My Uncle casually mentions that they are buying a house at ECR & they have not decided whether to rent it out or occupy it themselves. Atleast 15 hearts at our table would have choked hearing the news and Iam not telling you, if mine was one among them or not. I simply nodded & congratulated my nephew. The food was delicious & the bill came for Rs.26000/-. My nephew used his Amex card to settle it & left a tip of Rs.1000 for the ever-smiling server. “Isn’t it a little high?” asks my innocent mom. My nephew explains that it is very less compared to U.S restaurants, where the tipping percentage has reached almost 20% of the bill. Another moment. Another Wow. After exhausting ourselves with too many ‘wows’, we took leave from there & started for home.

3.30 Pm. On our way home, my wife whispered “If his heart is in India, then why is he so proud about getting a green card?”. Beats me too, but I didn’t want to discuss it & kept quiet. We had to stop our car at a signal & were immediately surrounded by beggars. The number of beggars in the signal is on the rise in Chennai & the worrying fact is that most of them are children. There is a kid who wants to sell us a lousy cloth for 10 bucks. I know it is not worth it, but wanted to buy it for 3 reasons, 1- it is only 10 rupees : 2- it might mean a lot to the kid & 3- Atleast the kid is selling something & not begging. As I was thinking, the signal went green & other vehicles started to honk behind me. I start my car & drive past the pleading kid, convincing myself that my 10 rupee may not be that big for the kid as the profit from selling the cloth would be very less only. And ofcourse, if not me there is always someone who will buy from him.

4 Pm. We reach home & while heading towards my room, my wife reminds me of the Evening show & we should start by 5.30pm. I fall on the bed; switch on the TV to catch up with the cricket excitement. To my horror, I find that the Indians have lost 8 wickets & Tendulkar has gone for a score below 10. Iam very angry with the Indian batsmen & it takes almost 10 minutes for the shock to subside in me. I do not want to see the sports channel anymore & change it to news channel. Another news channel & they are discussing the soon-to-be-launched models of car from different companies. They are showing pictures of BMW, Honda, Nissan, Toyota etc & the models look fantastic. It is so absorbing that Iam not able to take my eyes away from TV for the next 10 minutes. When would I be able to afford a BMW or a Nissan?

4.30 Pm. With a heavy heart, I change the channel to find another documentary “Children of heaven”. Now, what is this? Iam expecting to see children with some special abilities. But what are they showing? It’s a documentary about the abandoned children in orphanages, child labour in tea shops / match-box factory etc, handicapped poor children, dying children, begging children etc. I remember that I have been thinking for a long time about sending a small cheque (2000 rupees, maybe) to an orphanage, but have been postponing it for various reasons. I decide to send the cheque this month definitely. But, wait... This month I have to pay the EB bills, have to get the scratch on my car removed and have to buy clothes at the ‘Lifestyle’ sale. Maybe next month, I will definitely send the cheque. The program was still running & I was not able to watch such heavy stuff now especially after India has done so badly in a match. I want entertainment now. I change the channel & get myself glued to MTV.

5.30 Pm. We start to the movie & the next 3 hours are a total bliss for us. Fabulous movie & we enjoy it thoroughly. I feel happy that my 1000 rupees is well spent & feel satisfied. My wife mentions that the movie has been made for 50 crores, sold for Rs.90 crores & expects to do a business of more than 200 crores. Isn’t it great? An Indian movie collecting so much. India is arriving on the big scene & how. My heart is filled with pride as we come out of the theatre & head back home.

10 Pm. On our way home, near Valluvar Kottam, we see quite a few families sleeping on the platform under small tents. There are adults, children & even new born babies out there in the cold weather. They have covered themselves with some torn pieces of cloth & they lie there, shivering & breathing hard. ‘What if it rains suddenly?’ asks my wife & I have no answer. We feel sorry for them & remain silent for the rest of our journey. We have a light dinner at home & hit the sack fast. We are totally tired & want to rest as much & to get ready for the grueling week ahead.

10.30 Pm. As Iam lying in the bed trying to sleep, I think about the day. I want to go thru all the nice things of the day, but unfortunately all I could remember were the disturbing pictures of the children from heaven / the farmers / the innocent people at Srilanka / the begging kid & the platform people. It is very upsetting & I wonder why I should be thinking about such things. These people are suffering, alright. But, what can I do? I cannot help them in anyway. It is their destiny that they were born at the wrong places. Karma, it is. I can only be a spectator & feel bad for them. I have my life to care about & other important things to worry about (My car has a scratch, Iam not able to buy a BMW, My nephew is buying a bungalow(now you know) and Sachin Tendulkar has failed to score).

I care for people & I have not caused any trouble to anyone. Iam not that big to fight for something that is beyond me. I will take good care of my family, my relatives, my friends, my business & my assets. I will do my duties well, pay my tax regularly & will pray sincerely. I will raise my children properly & see to that they are settled well. I will live a responsible life & spread happiness to all. I know that a piece of the world around me is falling apart, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. There is no feeling of guilt in me. Iam doing all that I could & I cannot do anything more than this. So what if Iam not helping, there would always be someone else.

While Iam slowly dozing off, deep in my subconscious mind, I hear a voice which sounds just like mine. It inquires,” Is this what you call a responsible life? Is this all you think you can do?”. There was a pause for a while & then it asks, “Who are you kidding, Harsha? Who?” & the voice just fades away. I fell asleep.