Collecting memories

Death is so intriguing. Its not just the fear of dying, but also the sorrow of losing everyone & everything including your precious life. Infact what is more disturbing about death is not dying itself, but the phase that takes you to the point (of no return). Very rarely does one die without suffering & most of the people get bed-ridden for atleast a week or so before passing away. The last few days where you would be bed-ridden & be in a different zone altogether is the scariest part about death. Death is a great leveler & it does not come that easily. It will make you so vulnerable & helpless, will sap off all your energy & would certainly see to it that you regret all your sins.

I have not seen anyone die, ie, not been there at the exact moment it happens. But I have seen many on their death-beds, who were about to die anytime. I had always wanted to know the feelings of a dying person. Would the feeling be eerie or sad or satisfaction or something else? How would he/she feel during the exact moment the death occurs? No one has a first hand experience to tell the world, I thought so. Until I read ‘Many lives, Many masters’. The book is actually more about the re-incarnation stuff but it also discusses death in detail. Its a vast subject, but the gist is this – When your time comes & while death is just few hours away from you, your subconscious mind would dig out all those treasured memories of your life & would play it for you. You would literally re-live those moments in the shortest possible time. Its almost like a action replay, but on a fast forward mode. And when you die, then you will see a bright light & your soul would leave your body & go towards it… blah blah blah (After-life is a big story & my topic is not that).

I cannot tell if I believed them all or not, but what fascinated me here & what could possibly be true is the fact that you would be seeing all those glorious moments of your life with closed eyes & without even trying to remember them. This, somehow, made sense to me, because I felt that it is the best passing gift a dying person can get from his life; to run thru all the significant moments before everything ends. I have seen my granny die of cancer & she was in coma during the last few days. In that time we had noticed her smile, wince, lift eye-brows, twitch & few other reactions. Maybe she could have been re-living her memories; now I realize.

I wanted to know more about those final moments. After-life (or is it after-death?) thing somehow didn’t appeal to me. The book or the google materials did not go in depth into the subject of Final moments. Everyone was more interested in after-life only; about the light thing, soul leaving the body, entering some other plane, staying there & struggling for some time, rebirth etc. Numerous topics on this, but very little on the memory recollection thing & the last moments.

So, I decided to imagine/visualise how it would be & what kind of memories one would recollect before his death? So, if iam to die tomorrow (I hope not), what kind of memories would go thru in my mind? I also assumed that all the memories need not be pleasant; you may also have to go thru your bitter moments as well. You would not be able to choose the moments you want to see, but the subconscious mind would only do it for you.

One day, I just picked a silent spot, lied down & started to imagine that Iam in my final moments. Let me mention a point here - I have been meditating for few yrs now & although I have not progressed to the next level, I still can control my mind to some extent. So, my little experience in meditation helped me here as I prepared my brain to conceptualize the scene & told it to re-live the important moments of my life. It was not easy & I had to give up a couple of times, as I was not able to focus properly. My mind was wavering; roaming around here & there without any direction, but gradually came under control.

I gave my mind a free access & did not want to order it to choose any scene or event in particular. Yet, it was not surprising that the first few visuals were only those images which I had wanted to see; my parents, wife, relatives, friends, important events, achievements etc. But after a while, as I slowly slipped into a trance-like state, my mind started to play its own visuals. There was a flurry of visuals flowing continuously without any sequence & it also included my childhood memories.

The visuals were jumbled without any proper sequence & there was absolutely no methodology in its flow. It was more like a movie trailer & it went on for, maybe, 7-8 minutes. I seriously do not know if my mind had chosen the visuals on its own accord or if I had decided on all the visuals unintentionally before hand itself & forced them to play in my mind. Iam still a little confused about this subconscious thing, but the whole experience was fantastic, fabulous, spectacular & mind blowing.

It is difficult to explain the experience & I have no intentions of doing so as well. Because, most of my memories would not make sense to the readers & few are too emotional to be explained in public. Tears were rolling down my cheeks & it is not out of despair, but I was so happy to see some of the images & re-living them gave me immense joy that I just could not explain.

I was astonished to find some memories which I had not remembered till then. For example there was a visual, where as a small kid (maybe 8yrs) Iam having a Dosa with my parents in a small restaurant called WELCOME in purasaiwakkam. Our dresses, faces, surroundings, everything was so clear & it lasted only for a few seconds. My father is compelling me to try Rosemilk after finishing my dosa, while Iam insisting on grape juice. It passed on just like a flash & it was like deja-vu for me. Iam sure that it must have happened, but I had not remembered it till then. This means only one thing; that our subconscious mind stores almost all the memories (or could it be the random or the important ones) & brings them back when its required or called for.

Infact while I was reflecting on this experience, I also realized that such memories are the only salvation for elderly people. After a certain age, when they lose interest in magazines, television, food etc & when there is no one to communicate, it’s simply these memories that would keep them going. I often used to wonder what these old people would be feeling; always sleeping or resting with their eyes closed. Now, I have the answer; they must be re-living the moments of their life & that’s the only happiness they can have in that age. Playing those key moments in their mind again & again – until death.

At this moment, if I look back, Iam totally satisfied with my life. I have collected enough memories to last a lifetime. I have lived a very interesting life so far & am sure will continue to do so and collect more valuable memories. Infact, Iam surprised to find that Iam fond of my failure moments as well. I have been defeated so many times in my life & I have come across some dreadful moments so far. All these moments were terrible when they happened, but now they have become every bit enjoyable to me, just like my success moments.

This exercise made me understand few more things about life. There is no good thing or bad things in life. Every life is a good life, if it is lived positively. All moments are good moments, if it is of any purpose to anybody. Every experience only adds value to your life. If you are good enough & have a clear conscience all along, then even your failures would give you utmost satisfaction at the end of the day. It also made me realize the importance of collecting memories. More memories you have, more fulfillment you will have at the end of your life. And even those simple moments like spending time with parents as they age, playing with kids, going on a trip, learning new things etc gain great value over time. I have begun to appreciate every single aspect of my life & have become more thankful towards it.

EVERYDAY IS A GIFT. Yes! Its high time everybody understands this. Every minute we live & be of any purpose to anybody - it’s a gift. Every day should be considered invaluable & every moment of our lives must be cherished. Cherishing every moment is not easy & I don’t know if I would be able to do so. But I would most definitely try & keep on trying till I succeed. When you realize that these memories could be your only companion for a substantial period in your life, its better to collect them as much as possible. Its even better to create good moments in your life & then collect them as great memories.